Two nights later, he became very drunk again. I was still angry and upset from being hit again and this time I decided not to let it go. I was fed up of being treated like that. As we walked home I told him I was very upset that he was drunk after he had promised to stop drinking. I also asked him to sleep on the spare mattress because I was scared of him hitting me again. He started a barrage of verbal abuse at me, which continued after we got home. He repeatedly called me a cunt, among other things, and said he wished he had stayed with his ex-girlfriend. He told me she never questioned him like I did and that she was always lovely to him. After about an hour, I decided to record him on my phone, with the thought that I could play it to him the next day and show him how nasty he was being, as sometimes he claimed he didn’t remember things he had said or done whilst drunk. The next morning, he was very apologetic again and nice and I realised that if I told him I had recorded him he would probably be furious, so I chose not to play it to him.
During the recording, he is very emotionally abusive, telling me that all unhappiness and arguments were my fault as well as his drinking and violence. The violence comes up multiple times in the conversation, and he frequently tells me to “let it go”. He pleads with me to trust him more, tells me I am ruining his life and that I was “supposed to be better” and “supposed to have learnt”. He tells me things are in my head, threatens to leave me, says that I would have to repay him for everything he has done for me and that I was a bad person. I remember wishing he would leave me and it would all be over. I was so fed up and hurt by this point and at times get annoyed with him and am sarcastic, trying to stand up for myself, but at other times drop back to being meek. I even say I’m going to leave him if he doesn’t stop drinking, but this was an empty threat. Part way through the recording he comes towards me aggressively which scares me, but then he tries to comfort me – a behaviour I have mentioned before. The recording ends with him slapping himself round the face and bursting into tears, something he frequently did to induce guilt in me.
I have decided to share this recording here. As it is very long (approx. 30 mins), has long gaps where no one is speaking and other people are mentioned frequently, I have created a shortened version (approx. 6 mins) of the most significant parts and a transcript (below) as some parts are muffled. In the first section, when I say “you hit me twice” and he replies, “yes, you put me in counselling”, he is referring to me suggesting that he go and see someone after he started being violent. He never did go.
VOICE RECORDING:
Transcript:
One
- Him: “Be nice for fuck’s sake. It’s not hard, it’s not hard”
- Me: “I have been”
- Him: “Chill out then, let me sleep in the bed, let me cuddle you, let me be happy”
- Me: “When you drink, you get..”
- Him: “I am fine, fuck off with it please, it’s never going to help my recovery if you won’t let it go”
- Me: “You hit me, twice”
- Him: “Yes, you put me in counselling, well done you, fucking let it go!”
Two
- Him: “I was a happy person before I met you. Now life seems shit, fuck off. You’re supposed to be better, you’re supposed to be nice, you’re supposed to have learnt. Fuck off, done”
- Me: “I am nice”
- Him: “You’re a f.. You can, you have the capacity to be so nice”
- Me: “I’m lovely”
- Him: “And lovely and kind and brilliant, so be that”
- Me: “I am, but not when someone hits me round the head, then I get scared, then I’ll put myself first”
- Him: “If you’ll never let that go, then we’ll never move past. If you can never let that go, then we’ll never move past it. You have to let it go.”
Three
- Him: “You’re just a bad, you’re just a bad person, you’re just a bad person Soph”
- Me: “No, No I’m not”
- Him: “Yeah you are you fucking are”
- Me: “I’m wonderful and you waste me”
- Him: “Fuck off you’ve wasted me”
- Me: “You waste me”
- Him: “Ruined my life, turn the light off and go to sleep, you utter cunt you’ve ruined my life”
- Me: “No I didn’t”
- Him: “Yes you did”
- Me: “No I didn’t”
- Him: “You bitch fuck off, fuck off”
- Me: “See”
- Him: “I’m sick of it, I’m sick of making all this effort for you, all of this time and love and care and affection”
- Me: “This is you being drunk”
- Him: “You’re just the worst fucking person ever, fuck off.”
Four
- Me: “Because most people are harmless when they’re drunk, you’re not, and most people..”
- Him: “Let it go, let it go, please let it go, we can never get anywhere if you don’t put it down and stop”
- Me: “Shhh (blanked) is next door”
- Him: “We could be a happy couple, we could be a happy couple if you could just let that go”
- Me: “You promised me you wouldn’t drink much”
- Him: “I’m not! We’re getting nowhere, turn the light out, go to sleep, I’m sorry, I’m not out of control, I’m never going to touch you again, I’m never going to harm you again”
- Me: “How the hell am I meant to believe that?”
- Him: “You just have to make an effort, Soph, you just have to make an effort.”
Five
- Him: “Fuck off, trust me, please”
- Me: “How can I when, what happened last time”
- Him: “Put that behind you for fuck’s sake. I can’t recover, I can’t heal, I can’t get past all the shit you did to me if you keep tormenting me with the fucking guilt. Fuck, stop.”
Six
- Him: “Please trust me, I can never heal if you won’t trust me. Please trust me”
- Me: “You wouldn’t have said those things to me”
- Him: “I’ve said worse things sober, I’ve done worse things sober, I am sorry you really rile me, and the two times it happened it was because of this bullshit, that we were happy, I just want to be happy relaxed couple and you come at me with nonsense. I just want you to fucking chill out.”
Seven
- Me: “Because you’re drunk and you promised me you wouldn’t be”
- Him: “I’m not drunk, you cunt, I’m not drunk”
- Me: “Why are you calling me a cunt?”
- Him: “Because you’re being a dick”
- Me: “I’m not”
- Him: “Stop ruining my life Soph, please just fucking be relaxed, stop it.”
Eight
- Him: “We were happy until you started on me, you didn’t need to start on me, you started this, everything was fine until you started it”
- Me: “Because I’m scared and have a right to be”
- Him: “Then drop that! Drop it and you’ll see how everything is fine!”
Nine
- Me: “You called me a cunt”
- Him: “Because you started on me, separate the two fucking things, if you hadn’t started on me, none of this would have happened.”
Ten
- Him: “You’re being a.., you’ve been a dick to me all night”
- Me: “How?”
- Him: “Since we got back”
- Me: “What have I done?”
- Him: “The whole way you’ve been with me, you forced me to sleep on a separate bed”
- Me: “I’m scared”
- Him: “And I’m sorry, I’m never going to heal if you don’t trust me, it’s going to take a leap from you, a bit of effort.”
Eleven
- Me: “You promised me that you’d never do it again”
- Him: “I’m not hammered, I’m not drunk”
- Me: “You promised me..”
- *He comes at me aggressively*
- Me: “Don’t don’t, stay away, no no no, please no, please not again”
- Him: “Soph, soph”
- Me: “Please not again”
- Him: “Soph, Soph, you’ve been doing this all day, tipsy yes, kind and caring and loving you and never wanting to lay a finger on you”
- Me: “You called me a cunt”
- Him: “I’m sorry, you started on me, you wound me up”
- Me: “I didn’t”
- Him: “I’m sorry I’m sorry I apologise unreservedly, come here, I’m sorry. I’m tipsy yes, I’m drunk yes, we had fun, we were having fun. Don’t wind me up when I’m relaxing, I’m in love with you, I care about you”
- Me: “You can’t expect me not to be scared of you when you drink, you promised that you wouldn’t get drunk”
- Him: “I’m not drunk, Soph I’m not drunk, I promised you I would never get out of control, I’m not out of control”
- Me: “You called me a cunt which means you’re out of control, you only ever do that when you’re drunk, you’ve never done that sober”
- Him: “I’ve called you cunt several times when I’m sober, it happened many many times.”
Twelve
- Him: “Because you fucking started on me, I was happy, I was trying to give you love all..”
- Me: “Shhh”
- *He slaps himself round the face*
- Me: “Yeah that helps”
- *He cries*
- Him: “Please, just trying to give you love all fucking night”
- *I turn recording off and went to comfort him*.
Victims Can Be Strong 